I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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