it's too hot outside to masturbate.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
