Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize