I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
