he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
There r osticjed everywhere
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize