I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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