i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
