he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
