i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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