just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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