I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I just forgot I was standing up.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
