I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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