i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
