Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
