I think my vagina is haunted
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
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