Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
