Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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