Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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