That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Randomize
