fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Randomize