rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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