Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
