my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
It's Friday. Sex?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
