I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
