I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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