Just fell off a train. Bad.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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