I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
