Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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