She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
