The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
