if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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