I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
