1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
