I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize