This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
