I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
