He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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