I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
