i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Randomize
