I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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