i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize