Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
