I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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