Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
