Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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