I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I just found puke in my bra..
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize