I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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