Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
