i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize