I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
there is glitter all over my balls
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