Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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