dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
