Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
