They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
