is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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