Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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