At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Randomize
