you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I don't deserve a penis
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
