She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
this boner is exhausting
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
