I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
